me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
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The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I love you…
…r dog.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing