A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
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Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae