When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
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Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?