ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
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who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Check your privilege
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.