What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
You Might Also Like
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.