If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
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My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I didn’t realize that was an option
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I’m literally crying
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep