I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
#NeverForget
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]