Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
You Might Also Like
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Inside you there are two wolves
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.