Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
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All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG