Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
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Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.