Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
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If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
my nickname in college
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off