Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
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Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.