I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
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Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
😜
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.