you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
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I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
a fate I wish upon no one
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
c’mon!