I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
You Might Also Like
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.