I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
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If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”