My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
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Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.