Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer: