[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
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6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
What
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
how long have you had this for?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.