Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
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I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.