Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
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Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
men are simple creatures
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine