You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
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okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees