[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
You Might Also Like
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.