What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
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Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free