The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
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[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
How dramatic are you?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
You have been warned.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof