As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
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People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*