ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
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“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.