Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
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Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
How animals would run if they were human
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.