Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
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Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Me trying to walk in a dream
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?