I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
You Might Also Like
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I don’t know what to do
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.