Running your mouth is not cardio.
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All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[on a date]
me: so anyway鈥 just don鈥檛 understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There鈥檚 nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you鈥檝e got no way to tell if you鈥檙e seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
馃槼馃槼馃槼鈽曪笍鈽曪笍鈽曪笍鈽曪笍馃お馃お
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn鈥檛 hear the barista
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we鈥檙e going to sell the house just in case.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Jogging has never helped my memory.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.