It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
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Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
My wife gives the best headache.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines