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my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs