I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
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*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.