I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
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You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame