Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
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In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that