Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
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kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”