me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
You Might Also Like
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Based Erika
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait