Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Well, that didn’t work.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Do not steal food from the science building!
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
next level snooze