Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
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I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
#dalle2
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Discuss
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.