In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
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Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Yes, but it was never about money
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.