Worst perfume name ever.
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[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.