It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
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My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Most fashion shows these days…
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.