Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
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90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
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I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.