A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
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My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.