How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
You Might Also Like
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot