interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
You Might Also Like
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Growing up was a huge mistake
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*