someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
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her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”