“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
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Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening