Ok, but like, how married are you?
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kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.